Perceptions

Have you ever heard someone describe you, and think 'wow, you’ve got it all wrong?' Lately I’ve really been thinking about incorrect perceptions, and how they happen all the time. For instance, many people seem to think I have it all together. They tell me I have such an awesome, exciting job (if you thrive on stress, then absolutely, I agree!). That it’s incredible I am doing grad school while working full-time, and it must mean I’m really smart. (S-M-R-T) And wow, isn’t it so cool that you lived overseas and traveled the world? You are so cultured!

And let me tell you something. That whole school + work thing? Yeah, about that... You know where I am right now, on this gorgeous Wednesday evening? At the library. You know what I had to cancel tonight to get my group presentation finished for tomorrow night? Dinner with two new friends (a dinner that was set up 3.5 weeks ago!) You know what I just did? Ate KFC, alone. In my car. In the parking lot.

And my job…yeah, it’s awesome. But on days like this when everyone and their brother (or, my brother!) has emergencies and urgent deadlines and you are the only one there to help, it’s hard not to go home to an empty house and want to cry. But you know what stops me from crying? The fact that I just remembered I still have work that didn’t get done before I had to leave, so I get to do that yet tonight too. There simply is no time for the tears.

And yeah, I lived overseas for 3 years. And it was pretty great, overall. And yet…I was ridiculed all the time for my ‘American-ness’. The teachers hated us Americans, and were on a mission to strip away every ounce of self-confidence we had. And I never really quite fit in. And then I move back to the US and guess what? I now am too British to fit in over here. And my friends distance themselves from me. And I only know European history. And I only know British sports. Sweet.

My point? So glad you asked. :0) It’s so easy to see people and think things like ‘oh, she’s so organized. He’s so cool. She’s the kind of mom I wish I had. He’s the kind of husband we all want.’

But behind each perception is the reality. The mom struggling to balance all the responsibilities. The super husband who wonders who he is, and if he married too young. The girl who has it together on the outside, but is falling apart on the inside. The guy who’s ‘too cool for school’ who wonders if people would accept him if he removed the mask and showed them who he really was.

My friends, you are not alone. Your struggles are unique to you because they are yours, and yet you are not the only one to wrestle with the big questions, the feelings of loneliness, or the urge to run away and start somewhere fresh.

I recently had to apologize to a new friend of mine because I’d completely misjudged him. I’d created a perception of who he was, and it was completely false. It wasn’t until I saw what was inside of him that showed me how wrong I had been.

And many times I wonder, if I just let my guard down, and showed people what was inside, would that shatter their perception of me, and would they still love me? What if I told a friend, ‘I’m struggling this week. And I’m hurting. I just need a hug. And while you’re at it, do you know anyone who could mow my lawn this week? I just can’t do it all – I’m not superwoman.’ Would they walk away? Or would they stick around? Would they love me more? Or, would they love me less?

For once, I’m not running. I’m not running from the person I am, or the woman I was created to be. I’m not scared to ask for help or admit that I just can’t do it all. A few years ago, I would have let your perception of me lead me in the way I lived my life. But no longer. The mask is off. I am who I am, and that is enough.