numb
So, I am a big LP fan (Linkin' Park), and one of the songs I really like is one called 'numb'. Often I can't listen to their music because its heavy and dark, and it can really affect my mood. But I am feeling numb today. Numb to my thoughts, my fears, my work, my class, my friends, my family.
I think I'm simply running on autopilot today, and that is not the way I want to live my life. I do believe it will be better tomorrow, and that while the fog may not have lifted God will provide me tomorrow with the strength I need to sort through some stuff.
Tonight is my last night of class. As I sat at the library last night with an old friend from my Calvin days, i felt a little bit sad. I'm going to miss those moments. I still wrestle with my need to 'accomplish' things in order to have self-worth. Believe me, it's much rarer these days that I wrestle with it, but because of my upbringing it will always be something that creeps in here or there.
And the thing I am finding I dislike the most is that everyone asks 'so, what's next? what are you going to do with all that free time?' To me, it implies an idea that I have to move on to 'doing' something again. My dad told me to take one year off and then go for my PhD. And I said 'no, I want to live my life in a different way for a while. i've been selfish with my time, and it's now time to give it back.'
So here are some of the things I am most excited for, things I can now do that class is over:
1) Sleep
2) Eat healthier
3) Exercise more
4) Be a mentor for a Calvin student this fall
5) Volunteer with local missions and organizations
6) Hang out with my friends!!!!!!!!!
7) Read more books
8) Go to 'quiet places' to seek God more fully
Things I am not going to do:
1) Find something else to consume every ounce of energy and every minute of the day that leaves me feeling tired and selfish
2) Spend my new free time working more (this one will be hard for me, but I will not give in to it!)
3) Sit around and do nothing
Ok, well, that's it. As I said before I feel numb to most things, so hopefully these ramblings make some sort of sense. :)
I think I'm simply running on autopilot today, and that is not the way I want to live my life. I do believe it will be better tomorrow, and that while the fog may not have lifted God will provide me tomorrow with the strength I need to sort through some stuff.
Tonight is my last night of class. As I sat at the library last night with an old friend from my Calvin days, i felt a little bit sad. I'm going to miss those moments. I still wrestle with my need to 'accomplish' things in order to have self-worth. Believe me, it's much rarer these days that I wrestle with it, but because of my upbringing it will always be something that creeps in here or there.
And the thing I am finding I dislike the most is that everyone asks 'so, what's next? what are you going to do with all that free time?' To me, it implies an idea that I have to move on to 'doing' something again. My dad told me to take one year off and then go for my PhD. And I said 'no, I want to live my life in a different way for a while. i've been selfish with my time, and it's now time to give it back.'
So here are some of the things I am most excited for, things I can now do that class is over:
1) Sleep
2) Eat healthier
3) Exercise more
4) Be a mentor for a Calvin student this fall
5) Volunteer with local missions and organizations
6) Hang out with my friends!!!!!!!!!
7) Read more books
8) Go to 'quiet places' to seek God more fully
Things I am not going to do:
1) Find something else to consume every ounce of energy and every minute of the day that leaves me feeling tired and selfish
2) Spend my new free time working more (this one will be hard for me, but I will not give in to it!)
3) Sit around and do nothing
Ok, well, that's it. As I said before I feel numb to most things, so hopefully these ramblings make some sort of sense. :)
posted by Melinda @ 10:04 AM
2 Comments:
At 4:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
You really should come visit us sometime... :) Where is your house? I don't think I even know.
And I have to tell you...sometimes doing nothing is ok. :) Just saying.
At 7:35 PM,
Melinda said…
anne - totally! I live in Alger Heights - is that near you?
and yes, you're right. Sometimes doing nothing is OK. Sometimes it's better than doing something. I just don't want to do nothing all of the time. :)
i'll email you soon about a time I can come visit you and see your cute house!! thanks Anne. :)
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