Back to the Operating Table...

So, in the past few days, I've had multiple people speak truth to me about various things, but all tie to my flaws and weaknesses. In some cases I feel humiliated, like am I really that needy? Is it really that obvious my self-confidence is that low? In other cases, there is no humiliation and I feel safe in letting people see that I'm exploring a lot of these issues and seeking clarity in them.

But either way, it hurts. And I feel like my heart is back on the operating table. Like God has to cut these bad arteries out, because they aren't flowing with life to the rest of my body. They're full of poison, and we want them gone. But it feels like there is no anesthethia, and that it will take a long surgery to get rid of them...

I had someone I trust immensely challenge me last week to make sure I wouldn't consider counseling as a profession because I want to find healing for myself through helping others. Wow. I mean, looking at that typed out doesn't sound that bad, but I was concerned that someone thought I needed healing so badly. I've been to counseling, I've forgiven my mom, I've worked hard on healing. Am I still so far off? Am I too far gone?

Still others have challenged me about the kind of guys I am drawn to romantically. They feel (and are right in this, which is the hard part to admit) that I like guys who treat me poorly. Who emotionally manipulate me. Who ask me to pour my heart and soul into them, but withhold their heart and soul from me. Why the heck is that? Do I still really doubt that I'm lovable? Is it just poor self-esteem? Why do I seem to need validation from external sources, why can't I just rely on God? Do I not trust him to provide for all my needs?

So many questions.

I worry that I'm too much. No matter how much counseling I go to or how many times I hear that I'm not, those words spoken to me so often while growing up remain the truth my head believes.

And to make it all so much better, my best friend moves to England next week. Part of me feels I can't take any more, part of me feels such strength and peace for even daring to enter this journey of self-discovery.

I'm working through it. I do apologize if I withdraw a bit during this time - it's not healthy for me to do so and I have to fight against that tendency hard core. I'm pushing myself to reach outward every time I want to shut down, so I'll keep trying.

Until next time, I'm going to keep on being vulnerable and open with those I can trust. I want to figure some of these things out, and I want to get past my fear of, well, everything to do with love. I'm going to keep reaching out even when I don't feel like it. And I'm going to pursue those things that give me life and peace. In fact, I think visiting my friend Anne for some snuggle time with her new baby might be something that is healing for me. :) So Anne, hopefully soon I'll be able to stop over and meet Randi!! :)