A Turtle and her Shell

Ever suddenly find yourself wanting to retreat back in your shell? Like, you’ve come out of it, this time for quite some time, and suddenly you fear you’ve exposed too much of who you are to other people?

Many people get scared when they fly in airplanes. It’s a control thing – they hate feeling like if something were to happen, they are powerless to stop it. I, however, am the total opposite. If I’m in a plane crash, I likely wouldn’t really freak out. Because I’d be able to accept it, and know I couldn’t do anything to prevent it –that I wasn’t in control. Same with car accidents – if I’m driving and hurt someone else, I couldn’t handle it. I just couldn’t. But…if I were to be riding with someone else and get in an accident? Fine, because once again I wasn’t in control.

I used to think this was a good thing. Like, “oh look at me, I’m not a control freak!” But instead, I’ve come to realize that I think it alludes to the fact that I don’t like being responsible for my decisions because I’m so afraid of making mistakes. I really, really think that the reason I don’t mind ‘handing control’ over to someone else is that I’ve done it most of my life. And it’s really scary for me to think about taking back that control.

And so what’s weird for me is that I’ve been making many steps (make that huge strides), to separate myself from the people that I let control my life…and yet I have friends pushing me to do so even more. And it’s scary. And one of the ways in which I have taken some healthy control is really choosing who my friends are – the ones I can sit down on the couch with and vulnerably tell them my thoughts and opinions on things. (Yeah, Anne, I am picturing last night!! haha) Which is great. But so then when I start to fear that I’ve shared too much of myself, and opened up the big, complicated picture of what makes me, me…I start to panic. Because I’m in control of that choice, and that means I have to deal with the resulting emotions/consequences.

The funny thing is, I’m making good choices these days. And the people I am vulnerable with? Well, I can trust them to see the good and the bad, and not split them. Not to love me only for when I’m funny and intelligent and witty, but also when I’m struggling with doubts or irrational fears or when I’m being mean or cranky. But for some reason, that fear has crept back in. And it’s making me really scared to be open with people. And that’s not a good thing.

I’m gonna fight this as hard as I can. I’m going to still go to social events where I will see my friends, even if I feel exposed. Even if the more I spend time with them, the more I will be honest and vulnerable about who I am.

After all, the best way to glorify God is to remember that there are things that we, as humans, cannot ever do on our own. That can only happen through him. For me, I believe that learning to like myself and not keep the ‘bad’ and the ‘good’ separate, is something that only happened because of God’s grace and strength, not my own. And I’m in a new fight now – to stay connected and vulnerable when it is the scariest thing in the world. Because once again, that can only happen by God’s grace and strength.