Love without Limits
Well folks, I’m back at it. I know my blog is so sporadic, and I’m sure it matters to all my faithful readers (LOL!) . The thing is, this blog is a place for me to think things out. Some of these thoughts have been building for a while, and have now reached a point where I need to think ‘out loud’ about them.
Love. It is still constantly the topic that fascinates and scares me the most. I love many of my friends dearly, and don’t express it enough. I really need to tell people much more often that I love them. Romantically, I’ve only ever loved 2 guys. One was…a disaster. Back in college let’s just say I was a total doormat and I accepted a horrible substitute for love as the real thing. I shudder just thinking about it.
But, this whole love thing is really hard. It doesn’t just mean loving people when I feel it. Or loving people only when it’s easy to, when they ‘deserve’ it. It also doesn’t mean loving them on my terms. I think that’s the hardest for me. For instance, for me, loving a friend means showing up at their events (sports, art shows, weddings, parties, company launches, etc.) even if it’s not convenient. And it means inviting them to my events. But sometimes I have friends who don’t invite me to things, and it’s easy for me to get hurt by it. I am such an ‘inclusionist’ that the ‘exclusionists’ of the world can easily hurt my feelings. And I’ve noticed that when I’m ticked off because someone hasn’t loved me the way I would love them, I want to shut down and shut them out. Punish them, I guess. But let’s talk about that…what does Jesus call me to do? To pressure them into inviting me out of guilt? To show up uninvited? To sulk because they love me differently that I love them? No. He calls me to still love them.
Without limits.
True, not to be a doormat. But he does ask us to lay down our lives for his cause, and I believe his biggest cause is love.
Friends, this world is so full of hurt. And pain. And isolation. And misunderstandings. And people on the fringe. I refuse to consciously add to the pain. And where I subconsciously do, I pray it is revealed to me so I can be intentional about righting those wrongs.
I guess though that while I firmly believe this, it’s really hard to put into action. If I find myself being the friend who reaches out all the time, I start to doubt the other person truly cares. I even did a little experiment this year where I stopped reaching out to friends for a little while. I figured I would know my true friends by those who noticed I was out of their life, and who realize that friendship isn’t about convenience, because they would reach out to me. What a cruel test to do to my friends, and oh how so many ‘failed’. I say it like that because I don't think anyone actually failed that test: I’ve come to realize that I have lots of ‘friends’ – people who are more than acquaintances but less than super close friends…that are in my life because I pursue it. Not because they do. And that is OK – that doesn’t mean they don’t genuinely like me or that they are less of a friend than I am. But I should realize that I am the one making the choice to pour into them, even if they haven’t said they want to pour into me at the same level. And then I have my handful of super close friends, those people who when I’m with them, I feel ‘home’. These are the people who are there even when it’s inconvenient. The people who, when I say that I need them to reach out more or be the initiator or invite me places, they do it. Not because it’s easy for them or comfortable, but because they love me enough to show me love in the ways I need it. And vice versa: these are the people who get smothered if I call too much so I refrain so they feel love in their way, the people who get mad when I don’t reach out when I’m sad or having a hard time and so despite it’s unnaturalness, I reach out during those times. I love these people because they are the only place I can truly be me: insecurities, doubts, ugliness and all. And they help me see my worth and beauty and place in this world.
I don’t even know what I’m saying in all of this. Kudos to you if you've kept up with this rambling and this honesty about what is hard for me and the impossible standards I put on myself and sometimes on others. I guess I’ve just reached a much better place about loving people despite what I want love to look like. Jesus calls me to love, and ain’t nothing gonna stop me.
Love. It is still constantly the topic that fascinates and scares me the most. I love many of my friends dearly, and don’t express it enough. I really need to tell people much more often that I love them. Romantically, I’ve only ever loved 2 guys. One was…a disaster. Back in college let’s just say I was a total doormat and I accepted a horrible substitute for love as the real thing. I shudder just thinking about it.
But, this whole love thing is really hard. It doesn’t just mean loving people when I feel it. Or loving people only when it’s easy to, when they ‘deserve’ it. It also doesn’t mean loving them on my terms. I think that’s the hardest for me. For instance, for me, loving a friend means showing up at their events (sports, art shows, weddings, parties, company launches, etc.) even if it’s not convenient. And it means inviting them to my events. But sometimes I have friends who don’t invite me to things, and it’s easy for me to get hurt by it. I am such an ‘inclusionist’ that the ‘exclusionists’ of the world can easily hurt my feelings. And I’ve noticed that when I’m ticked off because someone hasn’t loved me the way I would love them, I want to shut down and shut them out. Punish them, I guess. But let’s talk about that…what does Jesus call me to do? To pressure them into inviting me out of guilt? To show up uninvited? To sulk because they love me differently that I love them? No. He calls me to still love them.
Without limits.
True, not to be a doormat. But he does ask us to lay down our lives for his cause, and I believe his biggest cause is love.
Friends, this world is so full of hurt. And pain. And isolation. And misunderstandings. And people on the fringe. I refuse to consciously add to the pain. And where I subconsciously do, I pray it is revealed to me so I can be intentional about righting those wrongs.
I guess though that while I firmly believe this, it’s really hard to put into action. If I find myself being the friend who reaches out all the time, I start to doubt the other person truly cares. I even did a little experiment this year where I stopped reaching out to friends for a little while. I figured I would know my true friends by those who noticed I was out of their life, and who realize that friendship isn’t about convenience, because they would reach out to me. What a cruel test to do to my friends, and oh how so many ‘failed’. I say it like that because I don't think anyone actually failed that test: I’ve come to realize that I have lots of ‘friends’ – people who are more than acquaintances but less than super close friends…that are in my life because I pursue it. Not because they do. And that is OK – that doesn’t mean they don’t genuinely like me or that they are less of a friend than I am. But I should realize that I am the one making the choice to pour into them, even if they haven’t said they want to pour into me at the same level. And then I have my handful of super close friends, those people who when I’m with them, I feel ‘home’. These are the people who are there even when it’s inconvenient. The people who, when I say that I need them to reach out more or be the initiator or invite me places, they do it. Not because it’s easy for them or comfortable, but because they love me enough to show me love in the ways I need it. And vice versa: these are the people who get smothered if I call too much so I refrain so they feel love in their way, the people who get mad when I don’t reach out when I’m sad or having a hard time and so despite it’s unnaturalness, I reach out during those times. I love these people because they are the only place I can truly be me: insecurities, doubts, ugliness and all. And they help me see my worth and beauty and place in this world.
I don’t even know what I’m saying in all of this. Kudos to you if you've kept up with this rambling and this honesty about what is hard for me and the impossible standards I put on myself and sometimes on others. I guess I’ve just reached a much better place about loving people despite what I want love to look like. Jesus calls me to love, and ain’t nothing gonna stop me.
posted by Melinda @ 12:28 PM
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