Something for Me

OK, I can honestly say this (and it is scary, but true!) but I’m not sure how often I’ve lived my life for me. Or, I mean, truly done things because I know they will be good for me, not because someone else wants me to or because I feel I ought to.

I was shoveling today, and it struck me: the past few days, I’ve been doing this. I’ve been doing things that scare me but that I know I need to do. I’ve been accepting people’s kindnesses, something I used to question instead of accept. I’ve been doing the small things that take care of me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Saying no to things I would love to do, but would over- commit me and wear me out. Saying no to people I can’t trust. Saying yes to those I can.

It also hit me last night that teaching would be something for me, and something I would be doing for the right reasons. I’ve always wanted to be a teacher, high school or college. But if I was honest, I think part of the reason was because I was scared – those who can’t do, teach. We all know that saying. So I think I thought of teaching as a fall-back, as a way for me to shrug and say ‘well, I might suck at marketing or doing anything else, but I know I’ve got the knowledge and I could teach these other people, people who have a chance to be great, the basis and the skills they will need.’ It would have been a form of escapism. As well as denying my gifts and abilities.

In this journey we call life, lately I’ve been stepping up my game in terms of self-actualization and self-appreciation. It’s been a wonderful journey, though wrought with difficulty at times.

Anyways, last night I taught a class at a local college. (Well, ok, if we're honest...I taught for about 7 minutes and then administered an exam.) :) My VP was out traveling for work and he asked me to fill in, which was a huge honor in and of itself. But even better was the actual experience. I had so much fun standing there, looking out at this group of college students whose lives are full of adventure, fun, growth, fear, hope, dreams…and knowing that they have so much ahead of them. And I enjoyed it, because instead of teaching them as an escape and because I doubted I have anything to offer this world, I stood there teaching them knowing I have much to offer, and thus they were learning from a girl teaching out of her fullness and not her emptiness. And it made me realize that in that moment, I was once again training myself to accept that I have a lot to offer, and to believe that as truth.

I know the voice of doubt & negativity will return. But now I’m more prepared and better equipped to shut down the lies with the truth. And the knowledge of this feels great.

And much of it stems from the fact that I’ve claimed this life as a life that is God’s to ordain, not mine. And most certainly not anyone else. I’m living in the ways I know God has instructed me to live, and I won’t question that nor let others intimidate that. It feels good.

“These are works he will do in us, but he won’t do them without us.”