Looking In

So…where to begin. I’d fallen off the blogging wagon, mostly because it became scary at one point to realize people were reading my innermost thoughts and struggles. And that’s because I can’t write any other way. You don’t get ‘Melinda, Censored’ when you read this. You get the real stuff that’s going on inside. But people encourage me to keep writing, so I’m back. And I’m loaded with questions, ideas, struggles, answers, and musings. So dive in if you dare…

The past few weeks/months have been interesting. I’ve been noticing a downward slide in my life, in terms of my relationship with God. True, I haven’t been reading the Bible enough. I always struggle with that. (And no, the irony of that is not lost on me.) :) However, it’s like suddenly, I feel like God is so far away.

I’ve been doing things to take me to a place in my life that I want to be in. I want a tighter community, no more chasing after 40 people and trying to make room for them and to be filled by them. There are some people I still want to get to know more, but overall I’ve decided that instead of being spread so thin that my close friends get the leftovers, I want to realize what is important to me and go after it.

The great irony of this is that by doing this, I have a lot more free time that I am alone. And while I definitely need some alone time, it’s starting to be almost too much. And I’m not sure why! Why is it that I don’t like to be alone? Or is it just the time that I’m alone – Friday and Saturday nights? That is when most people are being social, and here I am alone. Is it because of my budget? Is it because I don’t reach out enough? Is it because people have their own friends and routines and they don’t want to change them?

Well, I feel stuck. Nothing in my life seems to be changing. But the weird thing is…I feel like I should feel sad all the time. With the things I’m wrestling through, and feeling, I swear I should feel sad and feel like I don’t want to get out of bed. I should be depressed. In the past, that is how I would have felt in times like this. But I don’t. Which is a great thing – because I think it’s means I’m growing in my trust in God. I heard a quote at the orange conference today: does God value trust in Him more than anything else? And you know what, I think so. Bible story after Bible story shows his people in the midst of hardship, now knowing the outcome, but they trusted God. I want to be a living example of what it means to follow Jesus, and I believe that a big part of that is not crumpling when times are tough.

And I heard today this idea: “People need to fear the pain of lost opportunity (which happens when we don’t step out in trust), rather than fearing personal emotional pain of going through hard times.” That hit me hard. Because I’m not afraid to be in this place. I’m not afraid of being in emotional pain. What I do fear is people not understanding or caring that I am in this place. I have very few outlets I can be gut-level honest with about this stuff. I can only name 4 people (hey, maybe 4 is a lot and I’m lucky, I dunno.) These 4 people are people that if I’m going through stuff like this, I can show it. I can remove the mask, let the tears out, and know they won’t judge me. They will still love me, even in moments I forget how to love myself. But that quote really woke me up, because I don’t think I fear the missed opportunities. I am so afraid to step out in faith and change something about my life. Like moving, or changing jobs, or selling a house, etc. etc.

Maybe it’s this fear that is making me not ‘feel’ God?

Another thing that came to light recently is that as much as I feel I’ve forgiven my mom for stuff from the past (and stuff that will inevitably happen)…what has recently resurfaced is a bitterness towards God for giving me to that family. I don’t understand why He placed me where he did. Some people have their theories, and true, I believe it has sharpened my ability to understand and empathize with people because I realize that under every mean or painful statement is someone who is hurting, just like you and I. But still, did I have to learn it that way? Parents are supposed to encourage their kids, tell them they are valuable just for existing, help them make friendships with others and help them spread their wings. Why did I get the hyper-critical mom who instead hurt my other relationships because she was so desperate to be #1? There’s more I could unpack behind that, but not right now.

So, honestly, I’m a bit mad at God. I can’t imagine why my life is the way it is – why this family was in the plan for me.

And irrationally, I think that my mom has an impact on my ability to date and be married. Sounds stupid to most, but I honestly can’t imagine why someone would pick me knowing what comes along with me. A big mess, and a trail of brokenness. I know my issues are not worse than anyone else’s, but I just know that most people who have met my Mom have said they could never enter into my family. They just couldn’t have someone like her in their life. So where does that leave me?

Anyway, God has been making some amazing change inside of me. He’s identifying what is broken, and working on repairing it. It’s painful at times. Sometimes (like yesterday), I revert and take 2 steps back. But even there, there is growth. For the person I chose to show my two steps back? Someone trustworthy, not someone who would use it against me. I used to have really bad judgment in that area of my life.

I’m determined to keep talking to God. To keep reading my Bible. To keep serving him, and to keep being diligent with the gifts he has given me. Just because I don’t feel him, doesn’t mean he isn’t there. I need to forgive him (or get past my selfishness) for stuff about my mom, and stop blaming him. That is probably the biggest factor. Like Brady said once, maybe the way back to God is actively living for him. So I am, and will continue to.

All I know is that I’ve moved into a place of self-acceptance, and I’m not going to lose that because of fear. So I’m stepping out, and hanging on.