Sisterhood

So, I’m a pretty open person. Any of you who know me know that – I’m quite often an open book, cannot hide my opinions/thoughts/feelings ever (though amazingly, I CAN have a great poker face if I focus really hard!!) But for some reason there is one part of my life that I really don’t discuss with others. Even my closest friend – she never hears me talk about this. Or even when I do, it’s short and void of emotion.


I miss my sisters.


There, I said it. To the maybe 5 people who read this blog. :)

I’m not sure why it’s so scary for me to talk about it. My guesses are that because 4 years ago it was so emotional to find my birth mom’s side of the family, and it was so overwhelming to meet these amazing girls who now have no mother or role model or ‘big sister’ to lean on…and I carry some guilt that I live in Michigan and haven’t up & moved to Raleigh. Oh, I’ve thought about it many a time. But how do I love one family in that way without hurting the family I have here in MI? The one that raised me and provided for me and took me around the world and opened my eyes to who Jesus is?

And because I feel paralyzed by this strange connection and love for these girls while remaining overwhelmed by the emotions and responsibility of it all, I do nothing about it. I don’t call enough. I don’t send letters enough. I haven’t been back to see them. I feel like the most terrible big sister in the world. And if they only knew how much I care about them, pray for them, talk about them – I mean, brag about them and how amazing they are… But they’ll never know until I overcome this ‘thing’ that holds me back.

Why am I so afraid to love them? To give my time and energy to them? Is it because I know I can’t save them, that I’m ultimately not their mom? Is it because I’m so afraid of opening that well of emotion again? Am I scared still about feeling mad at God again for all that’s happened with ‘family’ in my life?

So here is why I don’t talk about it – it’s tiring. Emotionally tiring. And because, I promise that the minute I begin talking about it and seriously diving into this, tears will come. And I don’t think they will stop for some time. And quite honestly, I’m not ready for that.

I’ve been considering a spiritual retreat. 1 or 2 days, alone at some cabin to walk in nature, read my Bible (and other great books – I knew where I can find a few of those!), NOT have my cell phone (gasp!) and to pray and journal and work through some things. This being one of them. Maybe I need to do that sooner than later, we’ll see.

*sigh

Back to work. This is what I'm getting paid to do right now, not sit and ponder. :)