So, I posted about 3 hours ago, and I am back for more! yes, indeed, I am still here at the big Z. But you know, I don't mind working a Saturday here and there when duty calls. I didn't get where I am by being lazy or by not going the extra mile. Plus, my job is part-business & part-ministry, and because I believe so much in getting the Bible into people's hands, I want to give my time to it. Things are busy right now at work, and this season too will pass, and then the Saturdays will be BACK: I can actually work on the house, read a good book, go running, and go dancing! Holla!

So anyways, this blog might get long, and it might not be worth reading, but I've gotta get this off my chest. I feel lonely. There: I.Said.It. Not lonely as in I have no friends or no life, because neither of those statements is anywhere near true. But I want to feel special. Like, when my exam finishes up Tuesday night, I wish I had someone who was waiting to call me and see how it went. I wish I had someone (Baber!? Baber!?) to get ice cream with at good old Jersey Junction. (So good, that place!) Mostly, I guess I just wish I was somebody special to somebody special. Does that make sense? And I am sure it's really just a passing feeling this week: I am sure it will be gone soon. But til then, I am feeling alone.

See, I LOVE serving and taking care of others. If I was my friend (I know, hear me out, k?), I would make a little study kit to give to my friend for her exam. I would call her 9:30pm Tuesday night to ask how it went, and reassure her it went fine. I am also the kind of friend who every once in a while likes to leave little cards for my friends, affirming them in who they are and who they are becoming. But I don't seem to attract friends who are alot like me. Yes, they care. And they show it. But not in these ways. Maybe I just have a rare/weird love language?

I know God is proud of me, his child, for this. Not for earning the degree, but for pushing myself when I want to be lazy. For developing character by facing the challenges in class instead of running and hiding, which doesn't produce fruit in me. And for doing it for myself and not losing sight of what it really is all about. Not about feeling special, but about doing what you were born to do. Honing the skill, exercising the talent, stimulating the mind.

But is it bad to want to feel supported? So many of my classmates are married with kids, and they come to class with a card from their kids telling them they are loved, with boxed dinners from a wife who knows how long the day gets and missing dinner until 9pm is a bad idea. Who, on every break, call home to hear how their family is and hear their family's support. I, instead, grab fast food on the way to class, rushing from a hectic day and getting there 10 minutes before class starts so I can pray and calm myself down and prepare for a great class session. And on breaks? I answer work emails. Not because I am a work-a-hol-ic, but because what else would I have to do? No one to call, no cards to read, no classmates to talk to because they're on the phone... Well so maybe i exaggerate. I do have people (in some classes) to talk to on the breaks. But still, you get the point...

So, there's some real self-pity for ya. Unattractive? Yes. Ugly? No way around it. Selfish? Absolutely. A glimpse of who I really am? Unashamedly. Something Jesus is redeeming? Amen.

Keep seeking God, he will satisfy and he will provide.