insecurity (deep thoughts for a lunch break)

OK, I'm just going to put this out there. We ALL struggle with insecurity of some sort. Not being good enough, athletic enough, pretty enough, etc. Not being financially stable. Being too friendly. Not being friendly enough. Talking too much. Not talking enough. Each person has his or her own unique sets of fears.

I certainly have mine. I would say I'm one of the lucky ones because overall I like who I am, and feel at home with myself. I've had a privileged life with opportunities many won't have in a lifetime. God has blessed me with wonderful friends and roommates and mentors: people who care about seeing me grow and thrive and become the woman God wants me to be.

Yet I still have some deep fears. If I show this part of me, of who I am, will you accept it, or reject it? (I value transparency and am reaching out) Do I reach out to you too much? (I'm just trying to show I care and affirm you are loved) If I drop the ball on this project, will you still value me as a colleague? (I'm told I must pick priorities, and this wasn't one of them) Am I too critical of myself? (I don't even have a defense or reason for this one, because the answer is yes...) And if I am too critical of myself, are you willing and able to join me on this journey, and help me give more grace to myself? (I need help) And my biggest fear, because I still hear this voice in my head: am I too much to handle? Will you wake up one day and decide it's not worth the work it takes to be my friend?

Ok, so those are some of my honest fears. And let me tell you, the philosophical nature of mine thinks about these quite a bit. But I've never had to face them head on like i did last week. My mentor and dear friend was gently, lovingly pointing out a weak area of mine. It was like holding up a mirror and seeing all the ugliness in yourself. But also having someone standing next to you, seeing it as well.

it was horrible.
horribly uncomfortable.
frightening.

But is it beyond redemption? No. Does this woman still love me, and want to be my mentor and Christian sister? Yes. Am i too much to handle? No.

At church last week, one of the things Jeff talked about was forgiveness. And how when we ask God for forgiveness, he 'washes us clean' and he sees us through eyes of love. In fact, simply because Jesus took our place, God sees us through eyes of love. And so when he sees me, he knows there is ugliness inside of me. But he sees me and lets his love cloud his vision of those things. He sees me as whole. As worthwhile.

I don't have many experiences here on earth of people being able to look through eyes of love. (And I have failed at it myself, many times.) But last week, Krissy was a perfect example. She saw my reflection in the mirror and saw the ugliness. But her love for me clouded her vision so she saw me as beautiful. As a person Jesus is redeeming every day. As someone she can love, despite the scars and sin I carry.

May you constantly learn to see people through loving eyes, and wash over their ugliness. May you see them as God does, and love them through their fears.