Oh, the randomness...

Just my thoughts on life, love, and the pursuit of Jesus.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Words and Lies

What an interesting weekend. There were some really awesome things/times with friends that I’ll write about later. Right now, I want to really dissect an interesting phenomenon that happened. The phenomenon is that I can hear something, a truth, and know it and feel it and be free in it and then within literally hours, believe the lie that I just was warned about. Here’s what happened:

At church Saturday night Brady did an awesome job talking about the lies we believe. (He had done this as a 3-part series at Lifeline, but hearing it again, condensed into one sermon, was still amazingly powerful.) Anyway, the lies included things like “If God loved me, then ‘this’ wouldn’t have happened” and “God made a mistake when he made me” and “God is holding out on me”.
Basically, for some reason we believe the lie that God made a mistake when he made us. Man, I’ve been there. Brady talked at one point during the sermon about where was it that we first heard these lies, these lies that we’ll never be good enough or God must have made a mistake when he made us. And I know exactly where mine comes from. A most trusted source growing up actually said the exact words to me: “You’ll never be enough. I wish when we adopted you that we’d gotten a different daughter. I don’t know why God is punishing me with you.” Those words are burned into my memory, and so easily I believed the lies that I was a mistake and I was only a punishment to my parents. But now, most days, I can sort the truth from the lies. I still have my moments when I confuse the lie for the truth, but most times I’m good.

Anyway, here is the ironic thing: I left church around 7 feeling totally fresh and good, like ‘yeah, I know. I used to believe those lies. I’m good now. I’ll never deal with that again.’ And then just a couple hours later, I’m out with a friend, and I give another friend a birthday card. And his response at the moment was ‘thanks, this is so nice of you. Unnecessary, but nice.’ And there was nothing wrong with what he said. It was all true. But for some reason, later on at night when I was winding down for the day and I got to thinking, I started to think “hmmm, what if that’s me? Unnecessary, but nice? I mean, I hate the word nice. I know people mean well when they say it, but to call me nice is to basically say I am bland, I have no personality, nothing to offer. I’m simply a nice bonus. So maybe having me around is unnecessary, but nice.” Anyone else see the irony? Hours later I’m back to lies, lies about not being good enough and not really adding any value to this world or anyone’s life.

Of course, I’ve realized now that the thoughts I had were false. But I’m glad I had them, because it made me realize even more the power of lies and how it takes conscious effort to not believe them. To not give into them. To not let them conquer you.

And this is all part of some character growth I am in the process of right now. I seem to have this need to ‘add value’ all the time, and for me that equates speaking in a meeting at work, adding humor to a group situation, giving good advice to a struggling friend. But I’m trying to learn that I, like anyone else, add value by simply existing. Sometimes you add the most value just listening, not talking. Letting someone else be the center of attention at a party. Holding my tongue in a meeting where the best role for me is one of paduan learner. :)

Anyway, it’s been a great weekend and now I’m winding down for the night. Back to work tomorrow. Woo-hoo.