11:16

So, it's almost bedtime. And here I lay in bed, writing this blog. I've been really thinking about someting lately. A friend/colleague of mine asked me while in town last week "Melinda, do you even know how to relax?" And I indignantly (of course!) answered yes.

But let's see....I was up until 2am last night reading my case study for class tonight. Woke up at 5:30 to write out my homework due tonight. Got to work early at 7 to dig into emails and start the day. Over lunch I wrote my case study responses, then after work I drove to class, sat in my car in the parking garage listening to songs to relax, and then headed in to the libray to finish my case study questions. I then had class, drove home and talked on the phone to a good friend, all while watering the lawn and doing a load of laundry. Then I caught up on my myspace/virb/facebook, and now I'm about to do my Bible reading and go to bed.

Why do I tell you this? Because I am trying to figure out if I am just really disciplined, if this is situational business because of class, or if I really do have an addition to 'productivity'. And, because I really need people to remind me to carve out time to relax. I enjoy doing it, but I was raised in a home where you were loved more if you accomplished more, and the opposite was also true. So, sometimes I think if I do more, I'll be loved more.

What a falsity!! How dare I believe that crap. And yet, it was such a part of my formative years, that sometimes it creeps back in.

Today while having an e-conversation with a friend, I mentioned that I should have turned out so different from the woman I am today. And my friends, it is all because of God's grace. Directly from the big guy himself, but also grace through my friends like Jenny Jones, Jenny VB, Sarah and Ben. I'm so blessed to be in this place - a place of contentment and peace.

So, things I am excited about for tomorrow!?
1) Work (treat time - I'm making cookie monsters for everyone!)
2) Carpooling
3) Finishing the book of Micah
4) Wearing my cute new tank top (I havent been shopping in 6 months. it's quite exciting to get something new, even if choosing what I will replace it with and donate is a hard decision!)
5) Taking a nap after work
6) Listening to music
7) Going dancing with Nikki!!!
8) One night without homework

So there you go. Perhaps I do know how to relax. Or perhaps all that matters is the fact that I am secure in who I am, relaxed or high strung, and that I am able to relax in Christ. I am at peace because I rest in him. Hallelujah!

news

bad news seems to be everywhere. People getting sick, people losing jobs, people losing hope, people giving in. It can be hard to stay above water in these hard times, but we do have a promise. God will not leave us. He may not provide in the ways we expect, or give us what we would want...but he does provide. He does sustain. He does give us what we need.

I'm clinging to this hope I carry, a hope that no one or no thing can take away. Hold on, keep looking up.

Changes (everything has its season)

This past weekend was certainly the best weekend of 2007. See, I got together with my roommates and best friends from college for our annual reunion. These five girls have been so instrumental in the 4 most life-stretching, faith-shaping, community-building years of my life. All 6 of us have a mutual interest and role in each others lives.

The interesting thing this weekend was seeing how many changes the past year has held for all of us. New jobs, new bosses, new colleagues, new challenges, new losses, new struggles, new babies, new boyfriends, new hopes, new dreams, new separations. And yet as we came together, it’s wonderful to see how much we all share in each other’s joys, sorrows, burdens, and celebrations.

So no matter what lies ahead for any of us Phi 32 chicas, we know we don’t have to go it alone. We’ve got sisters who loves us and support us, women who see the God-given potential we each possess and who will push us to use those gifts for his glory, women who help carry our burdens and lighten our load a little bit.

I am so grateful I had a weekend to be with these girls. To be fully present in their midst, and to learn from them, pour into them, and be there for them. I love these girls, and we are truly blessed to have found each other and stayed by each other.

Looking forward to Seattle next spring!!! Beckie, here we come!

What You Gave (A Tribute)

You cared more about building others up than about getting the attention.
It was more important that you help others reach their potential than that you reached yours. Actually, you saw that helping others reach their potential was you reaching yours, too.
You pushed us all, asked the tough questions, wasn't afraid to dig in with the team and put in the hours with us.

You saw something in a 22-year-old girl who was searching for who she was. She found herself, and it all began with a prodding from you. I owe you much for who I am today. Thanks for the opportunity to work for you, I will never forget it.

--------------------
This tribute was written as a thank you, but also as a reminder for me to think of the leadership and personality traits I respect, and want to emulate. let us never forget.

Following (at all costs)

Some days it feels so very hard to follow Jesus. You know, to truly love someone more than we love ourselves, to honestly listen and hear someone when they speak instead of jumping in with our response before they finish theirs, to be willing to give up our 'hard-earned' money to give to someone who has none, to turn the other cheek when someone slaps us (emotionally or physically) and not give in to the shouting match or give in to slapping them right back.

This week I've had a lot of 'drama' with friends, and it's gotten to the point that it has distracted me while at work. Not cool! Anyways, one dear friend who came over to visit me Tuesday night when she heard the hurt I had in my heart decided that the reason that sometimes these things happen to me is that I am too nice. (I guess meaning that no matter how mean someone gets with their words to me, I do my best to bite my tongue and not attack back, knowing I would cause them the equal amount of hurt they have caused me. I've stood by people during times when they have given no reason for me to trust that they have any best interest for me or their other friends at heart.)

Don't get me wrong,I've also been the friend that causes pain. We've all said spiteful things, lashed out when we should have loved, cried in self-pity when we should have stood up, dusted off, and moved on.

But what I have come to realize this week is that it's not about me. It's not even so much about my feelings. When someone attacks in word or in deed, sure, it will hurt. And it's OK that it hurts. But, would Jesus have sat around crying and agonizing about it? Or would he have chosen love?

It's hard for me to know what is being a doormat and what is love. To separate giving someone another chance, and giving someone too many chances. To open your heart to friendship knowing that it will get dinged up along the way (pastor Jeff preached a great sermon about that, I need to find the link and post it on here!), versus opening your heart to a friendship you know is simply emotionally abusive.

I've decided that while I need to do what protects me from abuse from others, I also need to still give people chances and respond in love. I honestly don't believe anyone can be 'too nice'. We are called to love and give ourselves away. And when it's refused? Jesus has been through it, too. When we're walked over/trampled on/accused of false things/misunderstood? Jesus has been there, too.

When we feel all alone and ask God where he is and why we feel so alone?

Jesus was there, too. Rest in that truth. He has been there, and he is with you. Yahweh.

Problem Girl

I love this song by Rob Thomas. Sums up alot of what is going right now.

"Don't let 'em get where they're going to
You know they're only what they think of you
You heard of this emotional trickery
And you felt like you were learning the ropes
But where you're going now you don't know

And when the kids on the street say
What's your problem girl
And the weight of their smile's just
Too much for you to bear
When they all make you feel
Like you're a problem girl
Remember
You're no problem at all
You're no problem at all"

Great song. Especially the piano notes. :)

John Donne

John Donne is my favorite poet. I decided today was a perfect day to post this favorite poem of mine, by none other than the late John Donne (1572-1631).

Batter My Heart, Three-Personed God

Batter my heart, three-personed God; for, you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labor to admit you, but oh, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy:
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

Changes

'There is only one constant in life: change.'

Many people say this, live by this, die by this. Change can be good or it can be bad. It can make life easier or it can make life harder. It can free our hearts from the captivity of our own grudges and perceptions and misgivings.

This year has been a huge year of change for me. And many of them at the time I didn't think were good changes. Or, they were simply really difficult for me to work through at the time.

Now, I see God's redeeming love in every moment of these changes. I see how he is bringing me out of captivity and into freedom. And how these changes have allowed my heart to let go of things I was holding onto too tightly, and God has been able to bring new love and light and perception in.

Overall, I love change. I don't run from it, though sometimes it's scary. I really enjoy seeing how God pulls me out of something and brings me into something even better.

You never know what the future holds...