Oh, the randomness...

Just my thoughts on life, love, and the pursuit of Jesus.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

"The Lord gives us only what we can handle; I just wish he didn't think I could handle so much."--Mother Teresa

Anyone else ever feel this way? I don't feel this way today, not in my personal life anyways. But in terms of the weight and responsibility of my job, I feel it. And it is crazy to me how God knows how much we can handle, because most times I think i can't handle something...and God gives me the strength and grace to do so.

It's incredible. I love being a Jesus-follower...it is so liberating. And in many ways I don't feel like a liberated person. But the one area of my life that is freeing? My faith journey. I'll have to try and explain later...tried explaining it to my friend at work today, and I am not sure I made sense because he looked very puzzled at times. :) So I'll work on it and get back to you all.

But my new word is indeed Liberated/Liberating. It's a concept that has been so foreign to me, and now is so near.

"Jesus, I want more of you. The more of you I have, the more liberated I am. Free me. Amen."

It's about the journey, not the destination.

Let me tell you, that is hard for me. I am such a driven, energetic, accomplishment person that it is easy for me to look to the next 'destination'. But what really matters is the journey we take, not where we end up.

This really came to the forefront of my mind this weekend, as I was telling a friend about how I used to not like this one megachurch because of my perception of pride in its leadership. (Irony: by my making a judgement of this church, I was the one with the pride problem). I started hating the church leader/main pastor, and for 5 years this went on til I realized what was happening in my heart. I called the pastor and confessed and asked forgiveness...it was so tough. And this friend looked at me with this look of "really? you? I wouldn't have pictured you acting like that or hating someone like that..." And I realized, they didn't know me 3 years ago. 7 years ago. 15 years ago.

See, the past 3 years have been amazing for me. I have pushed the boundaries of progressiveness in my faith and spiritual thinking. The limits and borders I had placed around God? Torn down. False images of who God was...shattered. I woke up to the realization that I had grown up with a false, or maybe it's more accurate to say it was an incomplete, picture of what pursuing God looked like. I believed following God with reckless abandon was great, as long as it meant you ended up married, with 2.4 kids (weird...), living in a big house, with a cushy office job, earning lots of money. Following God was great, as long as it was safe. And now, while I definitely know I am called to work an office job, if God called me to sell everything and move to another place and start a company or organization, on my own, not married, no kids, etc. I would do it. And it would be just as important and amazing as working in a cube at a place I love, Z.

So, I guess basically I am just glad that I have come this far on an amazing journey, and I am following God with reckless abandon from here on out, no matter what that looks like. Through the quiet and through the storm. Through the mountain and the valley. Through the dark and through the light. I can't wait for the rest of the journey, and now that I am going to bed, the journey continues in 6.5 short hours!

Before I go...On a different note, I am wrestling tonight with weird, foreign feelings of doubt. But God does not give us a spirit of fear. He wants us to have peace, adn to have joy. So this doubt and fear I am feeling? It's not from him. Which means, it is not grounded in the truth, becasue he is the Truth. Therefore I will not give in to this fear.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Where do I begin?
I've got so much to say, but it is way past my bedtime so I will do my best to make this quick for me to type and easy for you all to follow. :)

First off, you need to check out David Klinkenberg (davidklinkenberg.com). Amazing musician, he plays the fiddle. Saw and met him tonight, a cool dude with an incredible talent.

Second, tonight reminded me of the calling God has on my life. I am here for a reason, there are too many details that brought me precisely here, for me to doubt there is any other plan for my life. Now, if only I could figure out exactly what God wants me to do with everything he has provided, and with the passions and gifts that I have....hmmm..

Third, I went to Cedar Point last Friday and then on to Chicago. Here is the fam in Chi-town:

I had a blast! I enjoyed teaching my brazilian friend American slang words, loved the Millenium Force and Top Thrill Dragster, and the short lines and great weather we had at Cedar Point! Chicago was great too, we saw alot of sights, my Mom had never been so I got to show my rents all my favorite hang-outs. Dinner Saturday night I met up with my friend Alex. Wow. That kid never ceases to amaze me. He was an extra on Prison Break last season and is apparently now one of the new faces of Sears (basically, he is in a commercial). Anyways, the impressive part for me is that he knows what God calls him to and he drives on towards that every day. It is refreshing to see him because we can chat about anything, but in the midst of it he can challenge me with "so how does Z fit into God's calling for your life? What are you doing to move forward on to that? How are you serving the Church?" etc. Hard-hitting questions that many are afraid to ask themselves, let alone others. And now I am left sitting here, wondering what in the world I am doing with my life, where God wants me to follow him to (whether physically, spiritually, emotionally), how I am or am not living each day for his glory and to my fullest ability...the list is endless. I hope this passion for the journey and the constant pursuit of God never ends.

OK we'll leave it at that. I am going to bed!

Good night,


Monday, August 28, 2006

My brother got engaged this weekend.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


I love my friends so much. I met up with one of my close friends tonight in Holland for some quality girl time. Our conversations were great - we talked about church, boys, work, frustrations, celebrations...it is nights like these that God reminds me how rich I am. Riches are not found in money or houses or material goods/possessions...and so indeed, I am blessed. Not taking things for granted is something for me to work on. Help me stay accountable to that, ok, friends?

Who else had a great night? I am really tired right now, and I need to finish packing. But I wanted to share something I read today in Proverbs that really stuck out to me, and maybe will encourage you in your path as well...these are from the TNIV:

Proverbs 4:7 "The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost you all you have, get understanding."

Wow, though it cost me all I have.....that's hard to swallow sometimes......

Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

My thoughts, my words, my actions, my stubborness, my laziness, etc....everything flows from what I put in my heart. From the true depths of my being. Man, I am so bad at guarding my heart sometimes! I spoke unkind words tonight about someone, and that shows a lack of integrity...I haven't been guarding my heart.

I've got some things to think about...

Good night, world.

So last night's post was a novel, no surprise there...I type fast and speak/think too much... :) But here's the question I have for today, and I would love to see dialgoue about this, so ghost readers, get cranking on those keyboards!

Is it a problem if a person's life has gotten to a point where going for a walk to the new neighborhood ice cream place is something that has be to scheduled? It has to be planned out because life is too busy/full, and there is no room for spontaneity?

Just curious...a friend of mine at work talked to me about this, and I wanted some ideas.

(and no, this is not a new ice cream place, but it's my FAVORITE!)

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Wifey in Training...

haha what a way to title a post! I'll get to the explanation...really...

So as I climb into bed, between fresh, clean sheets, I feel content. At peace. Tonight, I conquered my house. I watered the lawn, made dinner and did the dishes, cleaned the fridge (even scrubbed the shelves etc!), did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, my bathroom (even bleached the shower!), cleaned my bedroom, bills are all paid and sorted into their respective folders, did ironing, and organized my closet. First by length of sleeves, then by color. Mmm-hmmm. No, I am not obsessive, why do you ask?

And it got me to thinking...see, I am a single gal, 25 years old, working a managerial job, volunteering on weekends when I can, dedicated to my family, going to grad school, and owning a house. I cannot do it all alone, but somehow I get through. And I realized that if I could write books, one of them would be wifey in training. Because I am sick of the ultra-conservative view that I am not complete until I am married. I hear this alot, from well-meaning women, who just want me to be happy...because apparently I can't be happy without a husband! But I am also not for the ultra-feminist/individualistic approach that we can be strong on our own and don't need a guy...I think it's a balance. And so I look at my life, and realize I am indeed a wife in training because I am learning to run and balance a household...albeit that I fail miserably alot of the time... But I am not putting my life on hold, either. I am moving forward in my career, earning my Master's, stretching myself and growing. And I feel like that will make me an even better wife. I will not sit idly in this stage of life - I am enjoying it immensely. So my book would be about defining the new woman, the wifey in training of today. And who knows when my someday will be, the day I have someone to navigate through this life with me, for us to make decisions together, pursue God together, etc. But until then, I am pressing on.

And the picture is of me and Kelly, a little girl I know well. Her parents are dear friends of mine, and if I can be half of the mom Kelly's mom is, I will be one lucky lady. This was taken 2 days before Kelly's 5th birthday, and she just touches my heart so much. She reminds me alot of me when I was little: spunky, energetic, charming, able to get her way (go youngest children!), stubborn, determined, independent.

On to more serious stuff...because I can't seem to not ponder while on this blog...

I was reading back through my prayer journal tonight, on a break from cleaning, and came across this. I wrote these questions on the plane ride to Brasil at Christmastime...I was coming out of my "Land Between" and my heart finally felt full. I had been running on E, in every respect. Especially in my spiritual life. Finally, it was time to ask the big questions:

  • What if God is bigger than I let him be?
  • And not if, but what if I accept that? What if I let him consume me?
  • What if God isn't safe? Does he have to be safe to be good?
  • What would it look like to let go of what others think and how I should be, and instead let God continue making me, me?
  • What if all that matters is following him? Not controlling life or situations or outcomes, but rather embracing God in the midst of them?
  • What if God truly longs for me? Wants to spend time with me?

Those rocked my world, and brought to where I am today, 8 months later. I am still asking big questions today, something I didn't always feel allowed to do.

It's bedtime for me, and so I end tonight with this prayer:

"God, thanks for creating us. For creating us simply because you love us. I love you so much. I lift up my friends and family, Lord. I pray for safe travels for the friend embarking on a trip and for the friend currently overseas...give them great experiences and bring them home safely. Please be with A&Ms little boy, waiting to be adopted by them and to come home. Move the process along as quickly as you can, though everything in your great timing. Help JJ find a job, and though I want to be selfish and keep her here in GR, I want what is best for her, even if that means Chicago. Wrap your arms around her. Lift up the Lacey family, keep them strong with Rob home with you. Thanks for all my friends who are on a break from grad classes, and please use this time to refresh us to start again next week. Be with Mom and Dad, give them patience and grace and love. Be with M&H, give them a safe trip to NY this weekend. And finally, thanks for the fun weekend I get to have - give us safe travels to Cedar Point and to Chicago. You have blessed me so richly, and I want so desperately to give back to you. May my desire to bless you, truly bless you. Amen."

Someone stole my garbage can lid!

Or so I thought last night...I came home and it was dark, and lo and behold, the trash people had done their job and collected my garbage and left the can outside with the lid separated…wait…lid? Hello? Are you out there lid? I couldn’t find it. 2545 Brooklyn was the victim of a garbage lid robbery!

Then the sun came out this morning, I looked out the window, and there it was! Strewn a few feet away from where it normally is, but it was there! No one robbed me of my garbage pail lid. Phew!

In other news, I am sick. Yup, I threw up at work this morning. I am still here and feeling much better, and nothing else feels wrong with me, but isn’t that weird? I might have to go home after these invoices get coded because I don’t want to put my colleagues in danger of catching any weird bug.

Finally, I get to go to Chicago this weekend! I am so excited. I get to see my family, my friend Jenny, and my friend Alex. Can’t wait!

Hope y’all are well, that no one has stolen your trash can lid, and that your stomachs are feeling good and settled.


Sunday, August 20, 2006

Lessons from Church (Part 1)

So my pastor has been in an amazing series, this is week 2 of 3. So sad I have to miss week 3, but I will be in Chicago, and who can beat that? Anyways, this first post is not so much about what Jeff said, but about something that happened during the service.

First thing, we took communion today. I love communion Sunday's. It's hard for me to slow down my thoughts and my heart and focus on God and what Jesus did for me, and I love communion days because they force me to slow down and think about it. To be in the presence of my God, and just absorb it. But the guy who read the verses and led us in communion said something that I know to be true, have heard a million times, and yet tears came. He said "God loves you. He LOVES you." Man, that still shakes me to my core after 25 years. I cannot fathom the depths of his love for me, especially when I can't hide anything from him. My bad thoughts, nasty comments I make under my breath, the times I want to run from responsibility...He sees it all. And yet he loves me!

Elicits a response from my heart.

I cannot help but respond to that. Today it was with urgent prayers and tears. I tried to hide it because i was at church, but then I realized, I have nothing to be ashamed of. God's presence is real and I was swimming in it.

Second thing was just watching my friend sing this morning. 2 guys shared the worship leader role, and they did great! i know it's out of their comfort zone, or at least my friend's, but he did it. He knows it is more important to use his gifts for God's glory then stay in his comfort zone. Anyways...his voice was so pure and honest, and the tone just moved me. I was mesmerized, and got to thinking about how God gives each of us such different gifts. I couldn't do what he does, I coudn't do what Bob does, or Jeff or Krissy or anyone. But I can do what I can do - use the talents God has given me. Have I been? Have I let my church down? Am i letting the global Church down by using my gifts for other organizations but not for my church? I don't feel I have the time to, but I am working on that. I have recently volunteered to lead a charge for my church, and I am feeling the pressure and time constraints. What made me think I could do it? Nothing. But I WANT to do it. To give in this way...I need to. God has laid it on my heart.

So, I guess I should finish my laundry and cleaning my house and get on that work...

Have a blessed evening, everyone. And have a fantabulous week!

Saturday, August 19, 2006


That is me today. That and a mixture of sadness. It's weird, there is no rational reason to be sad...and yet I feel sad today. I was weeding the garden and the air felt like Fall. Fall is my favorite season, and yet it reminds me of the end of something - like the end of innocence. A new school year, no more fun in the sun, the dying of the leaves on the trees and the beautiful flowers...but it reminds me also of bonfires and laughter and capture the flag and races and love. Weird, no? Fall today took me back to high school, and the hiding of the phone in the freezer and throwing the toaster and my left sneaker up in the big oak in the back. Reminds me of Varsity football games, wearing blue and gold sparkles on my face and a hornet tattoo on my left bicep (or...lack thereof...my sorry excuse for arm muscles!)

I am listening to Storyhill which prolly doesn't help. Their music is so chill and nostalgic to me. Why do I have to get this way? I don't miss how things were, I wouldn't want to go back, but I do miss the excitement and thrills that came with living with people during college. There was always something to do and people to see. It was so energizing! Instead, I slept in (LATE! slept til Becks woke me up with the doorbell...wow) and weeded the garden. BORING! But then my good friend Heidi and I went to dinner, Target, and back to her place to hang. It was so good. It reminded me that I am not alone in this journey, that I am needed, that I need others. God blesses us so much when we find those rare gems we can call friends - people who truly care about our well-being, who make us laugh, who remind us that we are worthwhile, who need our support and thoughts. And so to that end, I am indeed blessed, beyond any measure I can ever deserve.

So, before I go read my Bible (Heid, that one was for you!) and say good night, let me leave you with some words from 'Gone Away', my favorite nostalgic song...

"It's almost a welcome sign, almost familiar to me.
But tomorrow I'll be somewhere else, walking on someone's else's feet
I'm always only a ghost of myself, all the rest of me.

Couldn't keep up the pace...
And those bright days have come and passed
And though you try you cannot get them back

They've gone away....they've gone away....they've gone away from you."

Friday, August 18, 2006

Getting ready to leave work...excited to curl up at home with a good book and just rest up until heading out to go dancing with friends tonight!

A new friend I'm worried about.
An old friendship reignited.
Opportunities for the future. Unlimited possibilities.
The journey is more important than the destination.
I believe.
I want more faith.
I want to be free to be me at all times, in all places, with all people.

"Innocence...we never got to say good-bye. But the glory of redemption is the wisdom that we find..."

$10 to whoever can name the band who wrote/sang this song...

My only response to it? Hallelujah for redemption.

Happy weekend! Holla!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

"I can be country or city, welcome to my world...My life will drive you crazy...That's who I am, Take It or Leave It"

New song by Josh Hoge. Love it.

Anyways...on to a real post. Since I do seem to like posting song lyrics, I'm using a song to talk about an idea that really bothers me. Many of us are broken and have been hurt in the past, but that is no excuse for not healing or working through that pain to become whole once again. So here goes...

What’s Left of Me

Yup. The Nick Lachey song that some of you were sick of from the first time you heard it, is driving me nuts. I have to admit, I tend to like pop music – put me through the blender and process me so I sound all the same coming out the other side...I love it. Good for dancing, and mindless aversions to the real world. But this one, well, the lyrics really piss me off!

“Take what's left of this man
Make me whole once again

Now I'm broken, and I'm faded -- I'm half the man I thought I would be
You can have, all that's left, what's left of me”

Does anyone else have a problem with the fact that this guy is offering to a woman what is left of him? Not the whole, entire, complete being? I’m sorry, any guy offering me what is left of him will be left standing there as I walk away!

I have a lot of angst in this area because I see too many people who are broken and refuse to heal. I mean, we all have junk from our pasts. All of us. The person you know who seems to have it all together? They don’t. The over-achiever (hmm...) who excels at work and at school...I guarantee their personal life and emotional sanity is in peril. The girl who always has a guy and therefore seems to always be happy? Guarantee that her happiness is conditional, fleeting, and in jeopardy. Now, don’t get me wrong, we all know these people and many of us love our friends who are these people. We are these people. We all have things we will struggle with the rest of our lives.

But the big things, the things we can work through and heal from, why would we not do that before offering our heart over to someone? I mean, man, for some guy to look at me and say “I love you so much, but I am not a whole person – I left my heart with so-and-so...but don’t worry! You can have what’s left of me...” no sirree. Sorry buddy. I want all of you. The good, the bad and the ugly. I don’t want only the remainders.

OK, this seems to be coming out of left field, so I’ll end here. Just a bit of angst from that song, which I just heard again on the radio.

Take luck, have a great weekend y’all!

Monday, August 14, 2006

Letting Go

Anyone else have a hard time letting go? I mean, man, I sometimes get so nostalgic, and I start thinking about how I'm going to miss this or miss that...or I miss certain times with certain friends at certain places. I can hear a song that takes me right back to how I was feeling at a time with my friends in high school. Or on a bus ride home from a college cross country meet.

And tonight it was a passage in a book that took me right back to the time I found out that my birth mom had died. I don't long for that time in a nostalgic sense, but it was like I was transported back in time to exactly that place.

Crayness! The human mind is an incredible thing.

Good night.
Headaches, Sisters and Self-Confidence

Yeah, random enough to intrigue you, no? So I have a headache. That clears up mystery number one, eh? :) Too much sun and too little water this weekend.

Sisters - I think I get to see my half-sisters in 2 months! It's weird...I didn't know they existed for 23 years and now I wish I could make up for all that time, but I can't. So instead I will see them when I can, and enjoy every precious moment I share with them. I talked to their Dad last night, it was so good! Brian is such an amazing guy, and it makes me so happy to know that my birth mom wound up with such an amazing guy. He told me last night that I remind him so much of my mom in her younger days. I almost cried, it was so touching. I am like my mom! Wow. I tell you, nature vs. nurture...I am living proof that it is both. I am like my birth mom and my adopted mom. Weird!

Finally, ever have those times where, for no reason, your self-confidence gets shaken? I am doubting so many things right now, yet I shouldn't be. God does want me to have a spirit of fear and doubt, but one of peace and joy. I'm working on it...I need to ask him to give that to me right now. So much I am scared of right now.

Have a great evening everyone. I am going to celebrate the fact that I don't have class!!!!

Friday, August 11, 2006

Laying Down Isaac.

Ge 22:1 Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!” “Here I am,” he replied.
Ge 22:2 Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.”

How many of us have been to our own Moriah? Been asked to give something that we love, asked to give it up in the name of God?

I got an email today from a friend in the UK, a person who is very close to the family of a man who was beloved by many. Rob lacey, an author and a friend. He died not too long ago from cancer, and it really shook me up. He brought so much to those he knew - he was truly an example of what heaven on earth looks like. I loved him so much.

His wife and 2 young children are left here to try and move on to life without Rob. It is so unfair it hurts. But life isn't fair, and Sandra, Lukas and Grace were called to give Rob up for the glory of God's kingdom. He needed to go home. He is no longer in pain.

I can't imagine being asked to give that up.

I am not Sandra. I am me. What is God going to ask me to give up that I haven't already? I already gave up my Mom...I want to start searching for my birth dad, but am afraid he might be gone too.

Bring it. In God's strength I can handle it.

Have a great weekend. The one person who reads this will be with me up north, so I am guessing it will be a quiet blog weekend. :)


Yup, we've been here before, folks. It's OK, I know it. I am just fascinated by the concept, and honored that I get a chance at a life that abounds in it. What is it that makes us want to love others? To risk our hearts the chance of getting hurt and rejected? Why do we want to put our thoughts/hopes/dreams/fears aside and put the other persons' in first place? To be so selfless? Because we were created this way? Because it's a reflection of how God loves us? ...I've got some real good (and very big!) questions today that I hope to figure out sometime before I leave this earth.

Romantically, I've only ever loved once. And it wasn't a pure, good love, I see that now. It was an oppressive, abusive, emotionally exhausting love that I had mistaken for the real thing. I was fooled: the fake seemed as good as the real. But that's only becuase I didn't know what the real looked like.

Now I do. I have friends who love me for who I am, a God that loves me the way I was made, and co-workers who want me to succeed because they believe in me.

No strings.
No paybacks.
No 'putting me in my place'.

It's amazing. And now I will never be fooled by the impersonator again, I will seek after the real thing in every friendship I have.

The final key? I have forgiven. I will not be a bitter, resentful person - not even about this. For I have forgiven and forgotten, and am moving on...


Wednesday, August 09, 2006

I did it!

Well, no, God gave me the strength to make it through, but I made it! I finished my exam last night after 2 hours 15 minutes with one small break in the middle...and man, does it feel good. I can't even tell you how good it feels.

But now I have a cold. Yeah, I pushed myself too hard the past couple of weeks so now I must pay the price. And that's OK...but I would give anything to go home and go to bed right now. Sooo tired....

In other news, I have the best friends in the whole world. You all have been so great - giving me flowers yesterday for good luck, calling me after the exam to ask about it, leaving me MySpace messages...y'all are the best. God answers prayers and gives us the support we need.

So, back to work while I look at my beautiful flowers from Beck, Beck Shingledeck! :) oooh, your name made it into my post - congrats!


Monday, August 07, 2006

So, a while back I went to counseling for a little while to work through some things, you know, some scars and wounds I had from growing up. Things i hadn't resolved, and things that hindered me in my journey as a Jesus-follower. She told me to write a letter to the person who had hurt me, and never give it to them, but to write it for my sake. Back then, I did it. And the letter had alot of questions and sadness and self-pity. But now, 25 years old, I am a healthy young adult. I am healed, I have worked through this junk from the past and while it will always be a part of my history and part of what makes me who I am, I have moved past it. So this is how my letter would read now...

Unsent Letter
To: Anonymous
From: Yours truly

If I could go back in time, I wouldn't let you talk that way to me. I wouldn't settle for being, or simply feeling, second-rate. You would love me the way you were supposed to: fully, completely, for all that I am and all I will be as God molds me. You'd be proud of me, even if I did my best and it didn't make me first.

But no, you had to tear at my confidence, at my core, you had to shred me until nothing was left but a shell of the girl I once was. And I resented you for that. I let anger fill my heart, and Jesus didn't have much room around that anger - it forced him out until one day, I looked in the mirror, and I didn't recognize what I saw. I was...




I was becoming you. I was so critical! No one could ever be good enough.I treated my friends the way you had treated me. I started hearing your voice even when I went off to college. 'Try harder, no one will like you if you aren't the best. You'll never be good enough. I wish you were more like her and less like you.'

[stage left] Enter healing....

I learned what grace was. The foundation of my faith that I had never grasped, that I had run from for a long, long time. And I let love in - friends who cherished me for who I was. Who believed in me when I could not believe in myself. Your lies could no longer torment me - they had no hold on me.

Now I know why you did it. I see how you were treated that way and how the cycle continues. But I refuse to let it - I will not stand idly by. I love you, which is why I forgive you and try daily to show you what love can be and what grace is. I want you to experience the peace, the liberating peace, that I have! Love - unconditional - that is my prayer for you. I want to give it. Oh, my heart breaks to know you do not know the freedom and love and joy that I know. I am a whole person, and that is the greatest gift I can imagine!!!! And yet you are not whole, nor, do I fear, will you ever be. That saddens me - I want you to know a life free from the pain and fear of the past. I want you to know love.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

If I have to say it forever, I will. I am sorry for disliking you back then, for hating the words you spoke to me instead of trying to understand your hurt and where you were coming from.

I still hope you can be proud of me, for the woman I am becoming. But if not, that's ok. Our love is imperfect - only God's love is perfect.

And he loves me.

And he loves you.

"Take refuge, o my soul, in his everlasting love."

Melinda Sue
p.s. I never liked that nickname you had for me, but it was the one term of endearment you had for me, and so I shall forever treasure it now. I will always be Melinda Ann, but in your eyes I will be your Melinda Sue, and I will cherish the times we laughed and danced around the house with you laughing, holding me tight, and calling me your Melinda Sue.
Oh man. Lunch break is over; I am sitting at my desk, just waiting for this day to be over. And yet the next 4 hours hold so much stinking potential, but I feel like wasting it. I feel like being lazy and I just want to go home and take a nap. Honestly, I’m running. I’m running from the discipline of focusing on getting the urgent tasks here at work done and then going home, making a healthy dinner (the goal is NO fast food this week!), and the discipline of then studying for my final exam. This is it folks, this is the last night I have to sacrifice going for a run, sleeping more than 4 hours, watchin’ TV, reading a good book, and hanging with friends. And yet I don’t wanna do it.

Can we say I am a kid again, wanting to throw a tantrum and screaming “I don’t wanna do it?” Thankfully, I am an adult, and I am able to overcome that temptation, but it’s not easy. So on that note, I am going to get back to work & finish that dang expense report, push hard til 5pm, and then get outta here.

Here’s to a happy evening for everyone. Talk later!

Sunday, August 06, 2006


Something I want to have; yet something I hide.
What makes up a person, the inside, the character, the determination.
What I am scared to show, what I am scared will get rejected.
What makes a person who they really are, the grit and drive that they take life on with. The 'something' that we want others to see, the part of us that longs to be known. And yet the part that I am afraid for someone to know.

The easy way out? Don't let anyone in. Don't speak of the feelings behind something, just of the thing itself. Don't let on if you are hurt by someone, just come across as strong and independent. Don't reach out for help; rather, shun it when it's offered.

I recently met someone at work who this reminds me of. And it's weird because I see so much of my 'old' self in this person, in their behavior.

"Hit me with your light."

Yet I have chosen the hard path of forging on, of letting people in even when I know it's risk for hurt, for pain. I want to be an open person, I want to be emotionally available to others. I want to be a complete person.

"Hit me with your light."

The place I was in before was so dark, so alone, so empty. When you get hurt enough that you block people out, you find yourself in a horribly lonely place. And it is very, very dark.

"Hit me with your light!"

I don't know when I really screamed those words in a prayer, and yes I am listening to Ryan Cabrera right now...but those words from the track are exactly what I asked God to do about 3 years ago. I asked him to let me truly experience his light, and to free me from the selfish, scared cave I had put myself in. Hallelujah - he listens to our prayers!

Redemption. The role of God's people on earth: to redeem this fallen world. To let him redeem our hearts, our souls. To redeem situations, places, policies, workplaces, families, relationships...

But we can only redeem if we, ourselves, have been redeemed. If we daily die to our self and let God redeem us and mold us into the people he wants us to be. And to that i say:

"Lord, hit us with your light."

Saturday, August 05, 2006

So, I posted about 3 hours ago, and I am back for more! yes, indeed, I am still here at the big Z. But you know, I don't mind working a Saturday here and there when duty calls. I didn't get where I am by being lazy or by not going the extra mile. Plus, my job is part-business & part-ministry, and because I believe so much in getting the Bible into people's hands, I want to give my time to it. Things are busy right now at work, and this season too will pass, and then the Saturdays will be BACK: I can actually work on the house, read a good book, go running, and go dancing! Holla!

So anyways, this blog might get long, and it might not be worth reading, but I've gotta get this off my chest. I feel lonely. There: I.Said.It. Not lonely as in I have no friends or no life, because neither of those statements is anywhere near true. But I want to feel special. Like, when my exam finishes up Tuesday night, I wish I had someone who was waiting to call me and see how it went. I wish I had someone (Baber!? Baber!?) to get ice cream with at good old Jersey Junction. (So good, that place!) Mostly, I guess I just wish I was somebody special to somebody special. Does that make sense? And I am sure it's really just a passing feeling this week: I am sure it will be gone soon. But til then, I am feeling alone.

See, I LOVE serving and taking care of others. If I was my friend (I know, hear me out, k?), I would make a little study kit to give to my friend for her exam. I would call her 9:30pm Tuesday night to ask how it went, and reassure her it went fine. I am also the kind of friend who every once in a while likes to leave little cards for my friends, affirming them in who they are and who they are becoming. But I don't seem to attract friends who are alot like me. Yes, they care. And they show it. But not in these ways. Maybe I just have a rare/weird love language?

I know God is proud of me, his child, for this. Not for earning the degree, but for pushing myself when I want to be lazy. For developing character by facing the challenges in class instead of running and hiding, which doesn't produce fruit in me. And for doing it for myself and not losing sight of what it really is all about. Not about feeling special, but about doing what you were born to do. Honing the skill, exercising the talent, stimulating the mind.

But is it bad to want to feel supported? So many of my classmates are married with kids, and they come to class with a card from their kids telling them they are loved, with boxed dinners from a wife who knows how long the day gets and missing dinner until 9pm is a bad idea. Who, on every break, call home to hear how their family is and hear their family's support. I, instead, grab fast food on the way to class, rushing from a hectic day and getting there 10 minutes before class starts so I can pray and calm myself down and prepare for a great class session. And on breaks? I answer work emails. Not because I am a work-a-hol-ic, but because what else would I have to do? No one to call, no cards to read, no classmates to talk to because they're on the phone... Well so maybe i exaggerate. I do have people (in some classes) to talk to on the breaks. But still, you get the point...

So, there's some real self-pity for ya. Unattractive? Yes. Ugly? No way around it. Selfish? Absolutely. A glimpse of who I really am? Unashamedly. Something Jesus is redeeming? Amen.

Keep seeking God, he will satisfy and he will provide.
Wow, what a week. Where do I begin? First off, just a reminder that God is good! Man, does he ever take care of his children or what?!

So, this has been one of the toughest weeks in a while. Work has been stressful, I am sure my blood pressure is through the roof (hence the headaches I've been getting...) and class has been stressful too.

But yet, God has given me peace. More than I deserve, yet not one ounce has gone unnoticed. He gave me great friends at work to walk me through decisions and help me see how to improve in the future. Great friends outside of work to lift me up and support me and laugh with me. A fun lunch yesterday that I was nervous about that ended up being the best laughs I'd had all week! A new friend to learn about and support. And the discipline and diligence to do some extra work this weekend to get caught up at Z, to get the yardwork done at home, and to do my studying for my final exam in this class. Yes, he has provided in such measures I cannot contain my joy.

"Hit me with your light...will you catch me if I fall. I would give my life if it meant anything at all. Lord help me carry on - will you be there when I'm gone."

I know, I'm a mystery. The above quote from a Ryan Cabrera song makes no sense in this blog, and yet to me, it does. Confession time: yes, i like Ryan Cabrera's music. Judge me at will. :)