Oh, the randomness...

Just my thoughts on life, love, and the pursuit of Jesus.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


This past weekend I saw RENT the musical. Finally! Wow, it was incredible. And I got to share it with my wonderful boyfriend, which made it even more amazing.

Afterwards I was thinking about which character I most identify with. Is it the impulsive and feisty Mimi? Some would say yes. Or do I identify with Angel, the one who brought the group together and gave of herself regardless of how anyone treated her? Well, I certainly wish I was more like that. Or am I Roger, recovering from something tragic, something I need to move on from and stop being victim to…but want to still hide behind? Perhaps somewhat. But sadly, I think for me, I am most like Mark. The one who longs for community and gets caught up in it at times, but doesn’t create it himself and finds a way to stay on the outside. It’s like a false sense of belonging – surrounded by people, but finding a way to be on the outside. For him it’s a video camera. For me, I don’t know what I use. Excuses? Work? Busyness.

Sometimes I feel how Mark's character does. I see a musical like RENT, and I desperately crave those sorts of friendships. And a group that loves and supports and challenges like they do. And I have groups of friends who indeed do that, but I can’t let myself fully enter into them. I hold back. Stay reserved. Sitting on the sidelines and entering in on my terms, when I want, how I want.

And it makes me wonder...how much community out there is 'real'? Or are there many "Mark's" in this world? Sometimes the thing I've thought was true community was actually a group of people afraid of stepping out beyond their safe & secure walls to be known by, and to know, others. Not all community is real. And I suppose that not all community is worth being a part of.

It would be an interesting study, because more often than not, I have a hunch most people would self-identify with Mark and feel on the 'outside' of their community...when many others within the community would look at that same person as an integral part of it.

What do you think?

Thursday, February 05, 2009

All or Nothing

I've been thinking about this concept a lot lately. More and more, I think I understand what the term "jealous God" means. Anyway, I was reading the beginning of this new book and some of the language really stuck out to me.

"Sometimes we're afraid to talk to God this way—like Job crying out in the night on the ash heap behind his house, like the psalmist treading water in the dark, like a furious teenager, welded into bed with a broken neck and bolts in her head. We repress those murky, edgy emotions about our suffering. We choose to be polite, speaking sanitized words, or not speaking at all. We bottle up our troubling questions and unspeakable feelings toward God, hiding behind an orthodox, evangelical glaze as we "give it all over to the Lord."

Except that we haven't. It's a lie and a ruse.

And He knows that too.

Why would God rather have our anger, our venom, our rage, our cry of desolation rather than our measured, controlled, even-tempered, theologically correct prayer?

It's all about the heart. Over and over again in Scripture you can hear God saying, "Give Me your heart or nothing at all."

God doesn't have time to play games. He wants reality.


Sometimes brokenhearted people say harsh things. Sometimes some toxic cynicism or long-repressed anger can spurt out of a lacerated heart. The Lord knows that...and wants to be close anyway. Sometimes bitter emotions and acid words can ooze from a crushed spirit. The Lord understands that, as well...and draws near to comfort.

The fact is, gut-wrenching questions honor God. Despair directed at His throne is a way of encountering Him, opening ourselves up to the one and only Someone who can actually do something about our plight. And whether we collide head-on with Him or simply bump up against Him in the dark, we cannot be the same.

We never are when we experience God.

Take your grievances directly to the Lord, which means moving toward the Lord. Go ahead and vent disappointment, express hurt, and even question the goodness of the Almighty. But whatever you do, don't badmouth Him to others. Please don't sow seeds of discord or incite rebellion among friends against God. Don't talk behind His back. Engage Him, head on.

When you think about it, the people you really get angry with are the ones you trust most deeply. "I am mad as a hornet, God, and I don't understand what you are doing one bit!" sounds like the dark side of trust, but it is trust nonetheless."

-A Lifetime of Wisdom: Embracing the Way God Heals You Joni Eareckson Tada 2008

Anyway, in here she repeats the idea that God wants it all. He wants all of our hearts and emotions and fears and joys etc. etc. That notion has been very freeing for me, because I've wondered who is strong enough to really see my darkness and still want all of me. God. I knew that intellectually, but not in my heart.

I loved this part "give me your heart or nothing at all". And I guess I think that should be true in any close relationship. I don't want to be held at a distance, and don't want to hold at a distance.

Anyway, hope it gets you thinking today... :)

Tuesday, February 03, 2009


I have to admit, I love this Coldplay song. The lyrics appear simple on the surface, but there is much going on underneath it all. And it's so poignantly written. it's impacted me so thought I'd share. Enjoy!

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm across

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved
No better and no worse
I just got lost!

Every river that I tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
Ohhh and I'm just waiting til the shine wears off

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one
And you'll be lost!

Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ohhh and I'm just waiting til the firing's stopped
Ohhh and I'm just waiting til the shine wears off

Coldplay, Lost